See my latest blog: Finding Kindness Within
By Angela U. Seymour, LPC
"Self-Compassion is a more effective motivator than self-criticism because its driving force is love, not fear."
- Kristin Neff
Many of us are our own harshest critics. When we make a mistake or don’t meet certain expectations, we might label ourselves "stupid," "incompetent," or "a failure." However, if a friend makes a mistake, we offer a hug or a supportive word.
Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) is the practice of turning that same warmth and understanding we would show a friend in distress toward ourselves. Developed by researchers Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer, MSC entails acknowledging our struggles with kindness. It combines the openness and acceptance of mindfulness with the warm-heartedness of self-compassion.
Many people hesitate to practice self-compassion because of common myths. However, research on MSC demonstrates that these misconceptions are unfounded.
"It’s just self-pity." People who practice self-compassion are less likely to focus on their own distress and more likely to recognize that life is hard for everyone. Since they can recognize that life is hard for everyone, they spend less time ruminating about their own pain.
"It’s a sign of weakness." Self-compassionate people are more resilient and better able to cope with major life stressors like divorce or trauma. They can face and acknowledge their pain without being overwhelmed or paralyzed by it.
"I’ll lose my edge/motivation." Many fear that without self-criticism, they’ll become "lazy." In reality, self-compassionate people have high standards and are more likely to hold themselves accountable. When they make a mistake or fail, they don't have to grapple with shame; they feel safe within themselves and admit what they did wrong. So, they persist even when things don't go according to plan.
Bringing MSC into your life can shift how your brain reacts to stress. Research on MSC highlights these benefits:
Reduced Anxiety and Depression: When our self-concept is threatened, it triggers the "threat response" (fight, flight, freeze), which is turned inward with people who have an inner critic. MSC lowers the "threat response" triggered by self-criticism.
Greater Emotional Resilience: Less emotional energy is needed when shame is decreased. With MSC, the ability to bounce back is faster after setbacks.
Healthier Relationships: When we meet our own needs, we have more emotional bandwidth for others, create closer connections, and interrupt negative cycles in relationships.
Self-compassion is more than a feeling; it is composed of three essential, interacting components:
Mindfulness vs. Over-identification: Mindfulness involves observing our painful thoughts and feelings as they are, without suppression or exaggeration. We can’t be compassionate toward our pain if we are busy running away from it or getting swept up in the "storm" of it.
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment: This is the act of being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.
Common Humanity vs. Isolation: When things go wrong, we often feel like "I am the only one going through this." Common humanity recognizes that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience—something we all go through.
You can do this exercise anywhere, anytime you feel stressed or self-critical.
Mindfulness- Identify the difficult situation and acknowledge the pain: Think about a situation in your life that is causing you stress. Describe the facts of the situation from a balanced viewpoint and identify the pain you are experiencing, i.e., "I had a fight with my partner and said something I regret. I am noticing feelings of shame and fear. This is a difficult moment for me."
Common Humanity- acknowledge how what you're feeling is part of being human: How normal is it for someone to have these feelings or experience similar feelings? i.e., "Everyone experiences regret this is part of being human," or "A lot of couples struggle to communicate." Also, think of those in your community, group, family, or place of work, who have similar struggles, i.e., "Many neurodivergent individuals struggle with communication."
Soothing touch: By placing your hands on yourself in a comforting way, it helps our nervous system feel safe and secure. Place your hands over your heart, gently squeeze your arms, or cup your face, whatever feels right for you. Feel the warmth of your hands.
Self- Kindness- respond to yourself in a kind way: Ask yourself, "What do I need to hear right now?" Use the same supportive and warmhearted approach you would use with a friend, i.e., "May I learn and grow from this," or "I will figure it out," or "I am a work in progress." (Choose wording that feels right to you). If this is difficult for you, think first about what a friend would say to you.
1) At first, this practice may feel awkward, since being kind to yourself is new for many people. With continued practice, though, it becomes more natural and effective.
2) Begin by using this practice with mildly distressing moments. As your confidence grows, try it with more difficult situations.
3) If you are struggling to express kindness toward yourself, imagine it is a friend you are showing compassion to first, then turn it toward yourself.
4) Backdraft is something that can be experienced when practicing self-compassion. It's when pain arises, sometimes from old wounds, while showing kindness and compassion to ourselves. It can be confusing, but it's a sign you are actually healing. If you experience this, acknowledge what it is: "This is a moment of backdraft," and ask yourself what you need in this moment in particular to feel grounded and safe.
5) Customize it to feel right for you. Think about what you really need to tell yourself in the moment, i.e., "May I ...be at peace, feel safe, etc. Figure out which touch feels right to you, i.e., hand on face, holding your hands, or if self-touch doesn't feel right, think of things that are comforting and soothing, i.e., wrapped in a blanket, a warm beverage, etc.
6) Even though this practice can be challenging at first, the goal is for it to become easy and pleasant.
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The Mindfulness Self-Compassion Workbook: https://amzn.to/3Mg9Df6
Loving Kindness Meditation: https://insig.ht/IFhogbdpm0b
The RAIN of Self-Compassion Meditation: https://insig.ht/HbAgZLkpm0b
About The Author: Angela U. Seymour, LPC, is a licensed professional counselor who is a Certified Clinical Trauma Specialist. She specializes in helping those with anxiety, depression, and trauma. She has extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Other treatment approaches she is trained in include Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Somatic Therapy, and Mindful Self-Compassion Therapy (MSC). She likes to use a combination of treatment techniques to help clients, as each client's needs are unique.